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Oliver Ryder Reviews: The Tourist

As some of you may, or may not know, I will be soon attending a pre-uni course in Venice. So when I heard that a new action romantic, The Tourist, was set in Venice, I decided to dawdle on over to my local cinema, thinking to myself: “This should be good. Johnny Depp, Timoth Dalton; sure I’m not the hugest fan of Jolie, but I don’t hate her either.”

Angelina Jolie is being lurked by Scotland Yard because she is in affiliation with a man named Alexander, who stole 74 million pounds from a gangster. Alex contacts Jolie, telling her to con an unsuspecting man (Johnny Depp) into tricking Scotland Yard, and the gangsters pursuing her, into thinking he is Alexander. 

What follows is the most predictable set of events you could imagine. Begin to think of any spy film you’ve ever seen. Now imagine it done poorly, to a shockingly bad soundtrack. You’re probably thinking of a pretty poor movie. Well The Tourist is worse. It’s stock, at best.  

The acting is terrible. FLAME SHIELDS UP. Don’t get me wrong fan girls, I love Johnny Depp too, but he isn’t even trying in this film. It may be his worst performance (At least that I’ve ever seen). 

It’s predictable, boring and has the worst pace I’ve seen in any movie this year. If you present even the slightest bit of shock at the “plot twist” ending, you are either a dullard, or have never seen a movie in your entire life. And if this is your first movie, I feel very sorry for you. 

-Oliver Ryder

Anime Review: Hellsing vs Hellsing Ultimate

**Update** Despite multiple drafts, I’m probably not going to post my JHorror & Monster Mash review on that basis that it’s kind of boring. No matter what I try, I just can’t seem to make it interesting enough for me to want to post. Sorry, shirtless picture?

ANYWAY, “Hellsing”. “Hellsing” is a very popular Japanese manga series that began publication in 1997 ending in 2008. It’s a brutally violent story and became so popular that in 2001, Gonzo entertainment decided to produce an anime adaptation. The first five episodes of the series followed the manga closely but soon the anime had run of material to base its story off. Publication of the manga was taking years, so the anime was forced to make up its own story, in order to push out more episodes.

What this makes is a mess. 

“Hellsing” is the story of Alucard (Read it backwards. Doesn’t take a genius), a vampire who is forced into a position where he serves for Queen & country under the organization known as Hellsing. The anime begins with Alucard being sent on a mission to save a village from a local vampire priest who is converting the townsfolk into the living dead (Known as ghouls and not zombies). During this expedition, Alucard saves a young police woman named Seras by converting her into a vampire. 

Much like the manga, the next few episodes deal with a microchip that is being implanted into vampires, making them stronger and able to make ghouls tat survive after they themselves have died (again). This plot is then abruptly thrown out the window when the anime series caught up to the manga releases. Now there’s a plot about some mutant who has come to destroy London… then the series ends. 

Overall “Hellsing” was disappointing. Mainly because they didn’t know what to do with Alucard. He is one of the biggest bad-ass’s I’ve ever encountered. Nothing can stop him, and he doesn’t think twice about killing anyone in his path. In fact he rather enjoys it. The series is just kind of dull, and not very memorable (Except for the opening theme song which kicked all kinds of ass). 

But then in 2006 “Hellsing Ulitimate I” came along. This was a reboot of Hellsing in anime, that was devoted to sticking to the plot of the manga. Having only read the first few books of the manga, I went into watching these movies not really expecting what I was about to see. Everything seems to be all hunky dorey, vampire gorey, untill suddenly…

SUPER NAZI VAMPIRES WITH NAZI ZOMBIE ARMIES ATTACKING LONDON

I was gob smacked. While I’ve only seen the first five, there are eight “Ultimate series” so far with ten planed. “Hellsing Ultimate” is a very intense gorefest, mashed up with occasional over the top humor and some brilliant fight scenes. If you’re into action, it’s a really good series to get into (Despite there being a lot of long drawn out monologues). But it is defiantly not for the faint of heart. This is in nooo way a happy or a pleasant series. Example: If you are put off by baby death, “Hellsing” probably isn’t for you. 

Oh yeah. This show goes there. 

Overall, while I’m not the biggest “Hellsing Ultimate” fan, and I didn’t like the anime series, I can understand the appeal. “Ultimate” is far superior, and has a lot of great action. But on a violence meter, it gets a 10/10. Just consistent gore and blood shed. If that’s your thing.